I've worn glasses since fifth grade and just got my nth new pair yesterday. I can't remember if I had new lenses put in my old frames during their reign but if I didn't, then I've had the same pair of glasses since I lived in Redwood City — we're talking 1999, people.

My new pair is totally HOT, makes my face look smaller, and is branded by Dolce and Gabbana. Monstro says they look techno. They make me feel like a blind Carrie Bradshaw — without all that pesky indiscriminate sex.