I don’t often use such vocabulary, but sometimes I find it necessary. Please move on to the previous column if such language offends you.

Ick. I hate Bill Clinton. The man is slime. I wouldn’t want him to sell me a used car. How can we believe anything from a man who fucks around on his wife? And then consistently lies about it.

Nice that he took full responsibility for the “inappropriate relationship” between himself and Monica. I’m sure she’ll think of that every time she collects an unemployment check for the rest of her life.

How did we end up with an adulterous president? I talked to my neighbor Danny about it. He raised the point that Kennedy screwed around on his wife. “Yeah, but nobody ever asked him about it,” I responded.

“That’s true. What would he have said if they had asked?” Danny riposted.

“He would have said, ‘Hey, I’m a Kennedy. What are you going to do? Shoot me?’.” Ahem.

Nice that Bill said that he was sorry that he hurt the two people closest to him — his wife and their daughter. I’m sure Chelsea appreciated the mention, considering that he never bothered to thank her when he gave his second inauguration speech.

Mom was pleased that at least Bill Clinton had the decency to look like hell. Guess four hours of testimony about a relationship with a twenty-something mistress takes its toll on a guy.

So, Tipper Gore has probably put away the party hats. Hopefully she’ll have the foresight to put them toward the front of her linen cabinet. I’ll pray that she has the opportunity to use them before they get too dusty.

*****

10/22/1998 If you’re neither 18 years old nor mature enough to handle frank talk about reproductive organs and adult relationships, please stop reading now.

I took my clothes from Kevin’s closet last night. Coupled with that is the fact that I’m in the process of going off the Pill. Between the sorrow of recrimination and the wooziness of blood loss, it was one of my lousier evenings of record.

***

It seems that every single couple I know is breaking up. I talked to a former coworker last night and she’s found the same to be true. I will wager a bet that the number-one reason women break up with their men is because their men no longer pay sweet attention to them. Comments?

***

I’ve reached a point where I’m tired of words. There’s a great song in “My Fair Lady” called “Show Me”:

Don’t talk of Spring,
Don’t talk of Fall,
Don’t talk at all! Show me!
Never do I ever want to hear another word,
There isn’t one I haven’t heard.
Here we are together and it ought to be a dream…
Say one more word and I’ll scream!

***

So, as previously mentioned, I’m going off the Pill. It wasn’t a conscious decision. I just forgot to take it for a week. Since I’m up on the chastity bandwagon again, remembering to take the hormone-studded wonder is a big pain. I’ve decided to simply do without.

I’ve been a bit alarmed at my resulting blood loss. I told John I thought I was hemorrhaging. It got to the point at Kevin’s that I had to slump against one of his stereo speakers (his speakers are much bigger than I am) and let the world spin for a minute.

I stopped at Dragon’s warehouse before driving to Kevin’s last night. As I was leaving, Dragon stood up and sniffed.

“What?” I asked.

“Nothing.”

“Come here.” I suggested. He came closer to me and inhaled the scent from my neck. Michelle told him it was probably the air freshener emanating from the bathroom.

“No, that’s not it.” Dragon said. He looked at me as if puzzled.

I didn’t want to tell him that what he smelled was my blood.

***

OK, so I know that there’s always the chance that I’ll fall off the chaste-in-singlehood wagon again. In that case, you may ask, what will Lynn use to prevent fertilization? Easy: Reality, the female condom. People laugh at me when I tell them that. I just say that means they haven’t tried it yet. True, it’s a bit of a pain to put in, but it is *so* worthwhile. It’s the best “barrier” method I’ve found. And it feels great! The best thing is that I’ve learned is that it prevents nookie-related urinary tract infections.

Another tip for avoiding those is to use products that don’t contain spermicide. They kill the good, germ-fighting bacteria. My doctor told me that the female condom is also more effective in hindering the spread of diseases such as herpes.

Two, uh, thumbs up. Lynn B. says “Check it Out!”